You’ve seen it on the news and you’re probably wondering too what’s going on with the recent animal and mammal attacks around the globe. So I’ve been tasked with finding some answers. You may recall this incident from Steveston Dock near Vancouver, Canada —
I interviewed a local “sea lion whisperer” and here’s a partial transcript:
Me: We’re here with sea lion whisperer Zaurbek Umkhayev. Am I pronouncing that correctly?
SLW: Close enough.
Me: We’ll go with Sea Lion Whisperer. So what do you think? You have a translation or whatever it is you do?
SLW: Yes, it’s definitive. I’ve spoken to several colleagues–
Me: There’s more of you? Well, let’s have it then.
SLW: “Hot. Hot. Too hot! Kill the humans. Kill all the humans!”
Me: Yikes! Seriously? You don’t think…I don’t know…like maybe it was just trying to be playful or something?
SLW: No. He was pissed.
Me: Okay then! There you have it.
Where’s Simba When You Need Him?
From sea to land, what’s up with these Leo’s? This one is from the Wellington Zoo in New Zealand.
Me: So “lion whisperer,” any relation to “sea lion whisperer”?
LW: No. That’s a foreign language to me, like French or Spanish.
Me: But you understand what the animal is saying. The lion.
LW: Yes. “Whispering” is more of a psychic meld with the beast. I enter its consciousness and —
Me: Let’s save that for a documentary, shall we? We have limited time here.
LW: Of course.
Me: So give it to us.
LW: “Who the hell does this kid think she’s f#cking with?! I’m king of the f#cking jungle!”
Me: Leo! Why don’t you tell us how you really feel? That one I can believe. I’ve known a few cats in my time.
Clean Up On Aisle None Of Your F#cking Business
Now, this is where we get a little personal. No need for any whisperers here. You’re getting this straight from the panda’s mouth. Which is why I was asked to do this guest blog. Anyway, when I moved from up North to Hot-lanta, I kept hearing “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” No, dude! It is the heat. Look, I was born with a fur coat. Not my choice. Got it? So I get a little testy now and then. Anyway, I’m at my local Publix in Marietta, and well…I could’ve sworn I heard “bamboo breathe” mumbled or some slur…maybe not, though.
How was I to know that kid in the cereal aisle had his cell phone camera fired up and on the ready. The guy was cool, though. No problem after we knocked back a few cold ones at the local pub. The kid with the camera, though, my luck, a YouTube Influencer. Quicker than you can hit the “skip ad” button I’m all over the web. I’m a freakin’ meme!
A local TV station here in Hot-lanta got such a kick out of it they couldn’t play it enough. The weather girl even gave up some of her face time to play the clip.
Embarrassing? You Betcha!
The wife used to like hanging out in the backyard. Doing some heavy lounging. Somebuddy said journalism is dead. It’s not. It parked its sorry butt on the flipside of my backyard fence. Now she tells me I’m more disappointing to her than a Peruvian avocado. Damn! That hurt. I’d like to tell you that she’s got me sleeping on the couch. I should be so lucky. She got me in a tree out back.
So I figure, let me hash this out with the TV station manager, you know, like panda-to-man. That was my plan. It didn’t go so well. Forget the best laid plans of mice and men, this panda screwed the pooch. Awry? And then some.
I know what you’re thinking. And you’re right! With the kid in the cereal aisle, who knew? But I’m going into a freakin’ television studio. Of course, there’d be cameras EVERYWHERE! My bad. And the station manager was nowhere near as cool as the dude in the grocery store. Long story short —
Mugshot, paw prints, the works. Even perp-walked to the Atlanta jail. (Oh, HELL NO! You want a video of that, do your own search!)
So, bottom line? Do we blame the heat on humans? Why not. It sure as hell wasn’t me. UNLESS YOU GOT A VIDEO OF THAT TOO! I didn’t think so.
Peace out,
Ima F. N. Panda
Guest Blogger